MY NAME IS BOND…JAMES BOND
This morning over my second “cuppa” Dunkin’ Doughnuts Coffee (Sorry Mr. Starbucks whoever you are) I smiled as I read the BREAKING NEWS on my FOX NEWS APP that my friend, Sean Connery had died. SMILED you say? Your FRIEND you say? Sean Connery you say?
Yes, I smiled, and yes, Sean Connery was my friend.
This news will no doubt come as a surprise, maybe even a shock, to those who know me and who have never heard me mention Sean Connery when I was namedropping about the famous people I’ve met and with whom I’ve become friends or, at the very least acquaintances over the last 50 years.
So, may I fill you in? Thanks.
Back in the “80s” before I “took the cure” I walked into the lounge-a polite word for beer joint-in a posh hotel in Columbus, Ohio. I’ll be honest, I haven’t spent a lot of time in Columbus, Ohio over the years, but when THE GOLDEN BEAR, my friend, JACK invited me to come to Columbus, Ohio to play in his MEMORIAL GOLF TOURNAMENT to raise money for The Jack and Barbara Nicklaus Foundation, I packed up my sticks and went to Columbus, Ohio.
So, after the round of golf that day, I walked alone into the “beer joint” sat down at a table for 2 and ordered a beer. The “joint” was darker than the http://armodexperiment.com/ inside of a cow-to shield the patrons from unwanted scrutiny I guess-but as my eyes acclimated to the darkness, I noticed a man sitting alone, nursing what I found out a few minutes later was a glass of single malt Glenfiddich12 scotch-not a Vodka Martini “shaken not stirred.”
Yes it was 007 himself..BOND..JAMES BOND..Well, sorta. It was, in fact, Sean Connery, sitting alone-repeat alone-in a “beer joint” in Columbus, Ohio. I tried not to stare. It didn’t work.
I guess my soon to be friend Sean had been in the beer joint for a while because his eyes had acclimated to the “inside of a cow” darkness.
Imagine my shock when James Bond, I mean Sean Connery asked, “Lawreey ( THAT’s the best I can do to describe his GOD SOUNDING Scottish Brogue) would ye car to june may?”
Well, I peed. (Not really-THANK GOD..That would have been more than a little bit embarrassing in front of 007) I managed to blurt out something like, and I quote, “blah bloofy patinky sloofus cordetal fraccus,” which Sean somehow interpreted as..”Yes, I would Mr. Connery, thank you.” to which he said, “Plays cool may Sean.” (I peed again..well, you know)
He then said, “I duun rally nuu thot muuch aboot koontree muosik, boot yuu and yuur brawthers sahng beotiflee lost neet and I especially laked thet “UUL THEY GUULD ” sowng un thot wuun aboot “dawn enuuf dawin’ teedee.”
I…uh.. you know…
What transpired over the next hour or so is something that I have rarely spoken about to anyone. I’m not even sure I’ve told Janis. I didn’t really know until a few minutes ago, exactly why I have not “shouted from the rooftops” (Luke 12:3) the fact that I had met and drunk single malt Glenfiddich 12 with Sean Connery. I am usually only too happy to drop the names of my “ only first name needed” friends and acquaintances..Johnny, Elvis, Kris, Barbra, Sir Tom, Donald etc.
But now I know. Ya see, until this morning, it was none of your business. Today it IS your business because today all of us are united as friends, by our admiration and respect for Sir Sean Connery. It is true that “mantalk” is often crude, irrelevant and jejune ( isn’t that a great word) but that evening “mantalk” was important. At least it was important to Sean and me. In fact, that night in a beer joint in Columbus, Ohio, “mantalk” became almost HOLY.
Ya see, Sean and I talked about the “stuff” that men are only able to talk about with men who are going through-or have gone through-the same “stuff.” We commiserated about our respective “Falls from Grace” our rapid slides into public disdain, apathy, and downright “you are washed up, we don’t need you anymore” semi-oblivion. I told him that my career had careened into that “abyss” as a result of me not being a very good drunk, and that on more than a few occasions I had allowed my alligator mouth to overload my hummingbird ass, to which Sean asked, “Whuut dues thot minn?”
I explained that little TEXASISM to him and continued that, while I was not completely “over the hill and gone” my career had peaked and was now pretty much in free fall.
Sean offered that he was pretty much “een thuu simm boot” but he believed that he had only made one big “boo boo.” He had become too successful, too recognizable, too famous, too iconic for his own good, that he was not the actor Sean Connery playing James Bond..he WAS JAMES BOND, and that when he decided to step away from M, Q, and MI6, Sean Connery the actor became unhirable, and that to the world he was JAMES BOND…PERIOD!!
Sean and I commiserated for a while but there was no “crying in our beer” or our Glenfiddich. We did not do any “ stiff upper lip” BOVINE DROPPINGS. We simply agreed that our bodies of work was respected by our peers and that hard work and tenacity would-sooner or later-win the day. There was no “it’s never too late to start over” blather..just 2 new friends talking MAN TALK.
Over the next 30 years hard work and tenacity paid off for Sean and for me. Our careers took off again and we both enjoyed success in our “golden years.” He became Sir Sean Connery and I was elected to The Nashville Songwriter’s Hall of Fame.
NO..My friend Sean never again reached the pinnacle he had reached as 007, and I have not reached the heights of the “ ALL THE GOLD” period of my career, but my life is purdy dadblame good. Sean’s was too. I would say that today his life is even better, but that would sound too ecclesiastical.
I cherish the “remembers,” as another friend Mickey Newberry called memories, of that night in a beer joint with Sean Connery, even though I never spoke with or saw him again. There was a “BOND” created that night over Glenfiddich and broken hearts..hearts broken by rejection and the fear of “hasbeenism.” The bond that was created that night long ago in Columbus, Ohio was nothing short of FRIENDSHIP.
This morning over Dunkin’ Doughnuts coffee, I miss my friend Sean Connery. He was one of the nicest, most elegant, most well spoken, most honest men I’ve ever met.
JAMES BOND was always, well..JAMES BOND. Sean Connery was “the coolest cat in the alley.” More importantly, he was my friend.
I’ve decided to tell this story now because I’ve come to believe that however trite and cliche it may sound, Sir Sean and I are proof that hard work and tenacity are rewarded, and that nothing good is going to happen to you if you just sit in a beer joint in Columbus, Ohio drinking Glennfiddich 12 single malt scotch. I think my friend Sean 😇 would agree…Rather, does agree🙏